Umberto Lenzi and his movies

This Italian director is a cult name, however he ain't one of my favourites. Still, if you are a fan of Italian cult cinema, you need to watch his movies. He made so many that it's impossible to watch all of them. Lots of them are probably not worth watching, especially the early ones. He worked since 1958 till early 1990's and he did just every genre you could think of. Adventure movies, spy movies, crime movies, horror movies, westerns, gialli, zombie films, cannibal films, sword and sandals, comedies, sex comedies, war movies... just everything. The genre he was at closest to became its master were the poliziotteschi, but he also made the first cannibal movie and did a few gialli before Argento made them famous. Let's take a brief look on a few of his notable movies.

SAMSON AND THE SLAVE QUEEN (1963)

I haven't seen this one yet. The original title is Zorro contro Maciste. Peplum meets Zorro, great! Possibly a dull movie with the muscleman Alan Steel / Sergio Ciani and with Pierre Brice as Zorro, the hero from the Winnetou movies. I will probably write something on them too.

SANDOKAN THE GREAT (1963)

Before Sergio Sollima made his famous TV series about Sandokan with Kabir Bedi, there were two series of movies in the early 60's, one by Umberto Lenzi and one by Luigi Capuano. Lenzi had Steve Reeves as the titular hero, and therefore more money and more fame. I will probably watch it someday, but I will be definitely missing the brilliant song by De Angelis brothers.

THE LAST GLADIATOR (1964)

One of many peplum films, also called sword and sandals movies. This one stars Richard Harrison and not Steve Reeves, the biggest star of the genre.

SUPERSEVEN CALLS CAIRO (1965)

From adventure movies to spy movies, this 007 clone is starring someone called Roger Browne. There's Rosalba Neri in it, but probably in a minor part.

KRIMINAL (1966)

A comic book movie, finally something I've seen. Glenn Saxson, a Dutch actor, is something between masked thief and James Bond. Sometimes entertaining, sometimes boring, not very notable movie by Lenzi. But he appears himself for a while in a silent part.

DESERT COMMANDOS (1967)

First of the subgenre "macaroni combat", popular in the late 60's in Italy. The best of those movies was made 10 years after the main wave, it's of course Castellari's Inglorious Bastards. I haven't seen any other movie of this genre, just beginnings of a few of them, and I found the rest very boring. So this one is probably one of those Lenzi movies I will skip. But he introduced the genre to Italy.

ALL OUT (1968)

A spaghetti western, one of his two, both starring John Ireland. The other one is A Colt for Hundred Coffins. This one is slightly better, but none of them is really good. Lenzi didn't like the westerns very much. This one has both the greatest Spanish spaghetti western villains, Fernando Sancho and Eduardo Fajardo, but unfortunately they don't share any scene together.

PARANOIA (1969)

First of his gialli with Carroll Baker, made in the vein of The Sweet Body of Deborah. I haven't watched it, and since I wasn't a fan of the Deborah movie and I'm not a huge fan of Ms. Baker, I won't probably watch this or the following movies, A Quiet Place to Kill (1970) and So Sweet, So Perverse (1970), very soon. There is a title confusion - this movie was originally called Orgasmo in Italy and Paranoia in the U.S., and then came a Lenzi movie with Baker called Paranoia in Italy and A Quiet Place to Kill in the U.S. Lenzi has also made another giallo with Baker called A Knife of Ice (1972), but this one looks more in the vein of the Argento movies, it has Ida Galli and Eduardo Fajardo. I'll give it a chance. To add more confusion, there's a Lenzi giallo from 1971 called An Ideal Place to Kill, this time starring the very young Ornella Muti.

SEVEN BLOODSTAINED ORCHIDS (1972)

I still haven't seen this giallo classic, and the reason are probably the lead actors. It's great to have Marisa Mell and Marina Malfatti as the victims, it's great to have Bruno Corazzari in one of the parts, but the leads are played by Antonio Sabato and Uschi Glas. I hate Sabato and I don't care about Glas. I'll give it a chance someday definitely.

THE MAN FROM DEEP RIVER (1972)

The very first of the cannibal movies, later made famous by Ruggero Deodato. I'm not a big fan of cannibals or zombies, so I haven't watched it and probably won't. It has Ivan Rassimov, he is cool.

ALMOST HUMAN (1974)

Not the first Lenzi's eurocrime, that was Gang War in Milan from the previous year (with that asshole Sabato and with Mell), but probably his very best one. Tomas Milian shines as a ruthless mad criminal who would do just anything and when someone bothers him, he kills him. It's so easy, isn't it? Sometimes there was too much violence, but it didn't matter that much. Henry Silva is not a good choice for the policeman, but he was a replacement for someone else. (Lenzi claims it was Richard Conte who died, but that happened in 1975, after the movie was finished.)

EYEBALL (1975)

The last of Lenzi's gialli (the only one I didn't mention was Spasmo from the previous year), probably the most trashy one, but a very funny one. Especially the tourists are really funny. Stupid, bloody and very entertaining.

SYNDICATE SADISTS (1975)

Tomas Milian is Rambo! Yes, his character is called that way, but he's more of a Clint Eastwood loner. Not the best eurocrime, but an entertaining movie nevertheless.

VIOLENT NAPLES (1976)

Lenzi took over the second part of the inspector Betti trilogy with Maurizio Merli - the other parts were directed by Marino Girolami (credited as Franco Martinelli for some reason). Co-starring John Saxon and Barry Sullivan, very violent, action-packed eurocrime, but one of the better ones.

ROME ARMED TO THE TEETH (1976)

Most people love it. It's violent, brutal, dirty, it has Merli, Milian and Arthur Kennedy. I didn't like it. Too episodic, too autotelic. Ten minutes of gangrape and then just Merli arrives, shoots everybody and it's done? Why did we watch it? For the naked girl? I disdain the scene. Ivan Rassimov also appears, but his part is brief and useless. There is another part called The Cynic, the Rat and the Fist (1977), again with Merli and Milian (but in another part) and with John Saxon too. Lenzi did also From Corleone to Brooklyn with Merli in 1979.

FREE HAND FOR A TOUGH COP (1976)

I just mention it because it's the first movie with the popular character of Monnezza played by Tomas Milian. Lenzi did another one with him, Brothers Till We Die (1978) and Milian did another one, Destruction Force (1977), but this time with Stelvio Massi, which lead to a clash between Lenzi and Milian. I will surely watch this one, it has also Henry Silva, Claudio Cassinelli, Nicoletta Machiavelli and many other character actors.

THE GREATEST BATTLE (1978)

Lenzi probably tried to make his own A Bridge Too Far, so he had many stars in this one - Henry Fonda, Van Johnson, Stacy Keach, Helmut Berger, John Huston, Ray Lovelock, Giuliano Gemma, Ida Galli, Edwige Fenech and Orson Welles as the narrator. I will definitely watch it someday. But it's not very popular one.

NIGHTMARE CITY (1980)

Fulci did Zombi 2, Lenzi had to do his own zombie movie. But he objected that they are not zombies, they are "infected-a peeeopleee!" He wouldn't be very pleased with the Czech DVD title - "The Big Attack of the Zombies". In the movie stars Hugo Stiglitz, who is now most known because of Tarantino's Inglourious Basterds and the character called after him. I haven't watched this.

CANNIBAL FEROX (1981)

Also known as The Women from the Deep River, one of Lenzi's cannibal movies of the 1980's. I guess my stomach doesn't want me to watch this. Co-starring the Czechoslovakian actress Zora Kesslerová (credited as Zora Kerowa).


And that's probably it. The movies he did afterwards are not very famous, not very interesting. Some of them he signed as "Humphrey Humphreys".What a stupid name. He made a few war movies, a few horrors, a few comedies. But he is, and will be most remembered for the stuff I listed above.

Queens of the Italian Cinema

The one and only Edwige Fenech for today.

Charles Bronson is The Man

Once I've read a story about Charles Bronson, that someone tried to rob him in Italy. He just calmly turned to the thief and said: "No, you give me your money!" The thief was scared and ran away. Charles Bronson was so cool that I have to believe it.

Even in his first movies in 1950's his parts were memorable, although being small. He didn't speak in House of Wax, but you had to remember the face. He was memorable in Vera Cruz, Jubal, Run of the Arrow, where he played one of Indians. Hollywood didn't know what to do with an actor with such face, and although his ancesters were Lithuanians and Poles, he was usually cast as a Mexican or an Indian. Not in the war movies where he was always a Pole. But Europe showed the world that he doesn't need to be cast as a foreigner. He can own the pictures.

Jill an Charles, always together. You don't cast Jill, you don't get Charles.

 In 1967 he began his "European Tour" and between 1967 and 1973 he made dozen of movies, among them some of the greatest classics like Once Upon a Time in the West, The Valachi Papers or Rider on the Rain. When he returned to the US, he began his work with the British director Michael Winner and they did a few movies that brought Bronson to the top: Chato's Land, The Mechanic, The Stone Killer and finally Death Wish, THE Bronson Movie. Unfortunately his following movies were not so succesfull and in the early 80's he had to go to the Cannon Group and start shooting real trash for them, beginning, with Death Wish II and three other sequels, from which Death Wish 3 is a really campy classic, and other movies like 10 to Midnight, Murphy's Law, Assassination or The Messenger of Death. For 1983's 10 to Midnight he had a plastic surgery and he lost a lot of his charisma.

I didn't mean to write a biography, and I think it's not necessary to make a top 10 movies or something like that. But I picked my favorite Bronson moments in his pictures, that are some of the reasons why he was so great. It will of course contain spoilers.

Well, let's begin with Death Wish 3, a movie that has a lot of these moments. And I mean a lot. The most classic is the ice cream scene. Bronson goes to kill. He has to attract his prey. So he goes to the local shop in the middle of the night. With an expensive camera on his shoulder. Buys an ice cream. Goes like he was on a promenade. The mugger runs to him, steals the camera, runs away. Bronson just drops the ice cream, pulls out his huge weapon (ehm, it's a handgun....) and shoots the mugger in the back. Classic.

Let's stay with Death Wish 3 and let's take a look on another scene. Bronson needs to attract the prey again. So he buys a car and leaves it in front of the house. When he hears the muggers stealing it, he comes out like he didn't know what was happening. "We're stealing this fucking car, what's it up to you?" "It's my car!" he says with his funny gesture. Then he just takes his gun and shoots both of them. Finished.

IT'S MY CAR!!!

Gee, I could make a top 10 just from Death Wish 3. There are a lot of these moments. But let's skip for Death Wish II for now. When the muggers raped and killed his daughter, they made the biggest error of their miserable lives. Bronson finds one of them and goes slowly toward him. The mugger is unarmed and scared. He begs for his life. Bronson notices a cross on the mugger's neck. "You believe in Jesus?" "Yes," replies the mugger. "Now you're gonna meet him!" BANG! Nobody fucks with Bronson.

The fourth moment will be the most classic one from Once Upon a Time in the West. For 14 minutes have been Jack Elam, Woody Strode and Al Mulock waiting for Bronson to arrive to Flagstone. When the train arrives, nobody comes out. The three gunmen turn and walk away. Suddenly a harmonica tune. They turn again and Bronson is suddenly there, just playing harmonica. When he finishes his Morricone melody, he asks: "And Frank?" Elam: "Frank sent us." "Did you bring a horse for me?" asks Bronson. Elam smiles: "Well, looks like we're shy on one horse." Bronson just slowly shakes his head and replies: "You brought two too many." Series of closeups, shootout. Everybody on the ground. Magnificent. Of course, Bronson isn't dead.

Mr. Majestyk is not one of my favorite Bronson movies, but it has some of the moments. Bronson plays a melon farmer and the bad guys are trying to destroy his farm. What does Bronson? Takes a shotgun and a pick-up and goes to send them to hell. Both of these funny moments include Paul Koslo as an annoying bad guy. When he comes to his fields and annoys Bronson, Bronson comes to him and his car. Then he picks a shotgun and hits Koslo in his crotch. Ouch. Then he shoots the amplifier the bad guys brought to distract the hired workers.

The second moment is at the very end of the movie. Koslo is the only living bad guy and tries to escape. He jumps in a car and wants to leave, but suddenly he notices that the keys are missing. He turns to the house and sees Bronson in the window, smiling and holding the keys. Great.

I couldn't find any screenshot of the scene, so here is Paul Koslo.

The Mechanic wasn't my favourite of Mr.B's movies, but I'm intending to give it a second chance. The best moment is of course the very ending. Ehm, I said I'm going to spoil he movies, didn't I? SO, the moment is AFTER Bronson dies, poisoned by Jan-Michael Vincent. Vincent arrives to Bronson's house, goes to his car, gets in and reads a message, written by Bronson, telling him, that he has broken a filament controlling a 13-second delay trigger. End of game. Bang! You're dead. BOOOM The car explodes, and end credits appear. Only Charles Bronson can kill you after his own death.

We've had a lot of killing, the next moment is rather funny and contains another cool guy and a favourite actor of mine, James Coburn. They did three movies together, The Magnificent Seven, The Great Escape and Hard Times, the only one, where they were the stars. This moment is from The Great Escape. The British prisoners were brought to the Nazi camp, the Russian prisoners, who have built it, are leaving. Bronson takes his coat on and tries to leave with them being in the crowd. Coburn joins him and asks: "Hey, Danny (=Bronson), can you speak Russian?" "One sentence." "What?" "Ja vas ljublju." "What does it mean?" "I love you." "I love you?!" "I didn't mean to use it." 

Ok, we're back at Death Wish 3 and let's concentrate on the rocket launcher. Bronson orders it through mail. Perfect! I'll do it too. Then the main bad guy enters the flat and threatens Bronson and another cool motherfucking dude and a often Bronson's co-star, Ed Lauter, with a gun. Bronson just turns around with the rocket launcher and blows the asshole to hell. With half of the house. Can you imagine a better ending for such movie?

And the last one is the only great moment of this lousy movie, 10 to Midnight. Bronson is interrogating the suspect (=the killer), who is a prick. Bronson shows him some tool he found in his flat and screams at him: "What's it for, Warren? Jerking off?" You have never expected Bronson to say such words.

That was the ten, but I'll add one lesser known as a bonus. Charles Bronson has appeared in one episode of the series Rawhide. Unfortunately he didn't fight with the lead, Clint Eastwood himself, but he has had a funny scene nevertheless. Bronson, the bad guy, is dining in his house and one of his cowboys comes. As he delivers his speech, he puts his leg on a chair. Bronson doesn't even look at him and says: "Don't put your feet on my chair!" The cowboy obeys, continues his speech, but then he does it again. And Bronson, cool as always, again says: "I told you not to put your feet on my chair!" He knew how to handle lousy amateurish actors with more dialogue than they could handle. And that's it for today.

This Short Cigar Belongs to the Man With No Name

Heroes of the West - part 5

Our next western hero is Lee Van Cleef, the ultimate badass.